How Do We Know If It’s Codependency or Healthy Dependency?
If you’ve ever asked yourself “Is this relationship supportive… or is it unhealthy?” you’re not alone.
Many couples and individuals worry that needing their partner too much means they’re being codependent. Others fear that wanting closeness makes them “too much,” “clingy,” or “weak.” And some people swing the opposite direction, believing that true independence means never needing anyone at all.
So let’s slow this down and clear up a very common (and very confusing) question:
How do we know if it’s codependency or healthy dependency?
As therapists, we don’t see dependency as automatically bad. In fact, healthy dependency is a core feature of secure, thriving relationships. The problem isn’t needing your partner, the problem is how that need shows up, whether it’s mutual, and whether it costs you your sense of self.
Let’s break it down.
First: What Do We Mean by “Dependency” in Relationships?
Humans are wired for connection. From infancy, we survive by depending on others. That need doesn’t magically disappear when we become adults, it just changes shape.
In healthy adult relationships:
We lean on each other emotionally
We turn toward our partner in moments of stress
We feel safer, calmer, and more regulated when our partner is emotionally available
This is not weakness. This is biology.
The idea that we should be completely self-sufficient at all times is a cultural myth, and one that often creates more relationship distress, not less.
So dependency itself isn’t the problem.
The real question is:
Does this relationship support my sense of self, or slowly erode it?
What Is Codependency?
Codependency isn’t an official diagnosis, but it’s a widely used term to describe relationship patterns where one or both people lose themselves in order to maintain connection.
Codependency often develops as a survival strategy, especially for people who learned early on that love was conditional, unpredictable, or tied to caretaking.
Common signs of codependency include:
Prioritizing your partner’s needs at the expense of your own
Feeling responsible for your partner’s emotions, choices, or wellbeing
Difficulty setting or maintaining boundaries
Fear of abandonment that drives people-pleasing
Staying in unhealthy dynamics to avoid being alone
Losing touch with your own wants, feelings, or identity
Feeling anxious, empty, or guilty when focusing on yourself
At its core, codependency is not about loving too much, it’s about feeling unsafe without the relationship.
What Is Healthy Dependency?
Healthy dependency is often misunderstood because we rarely talk about it.
In therapy, especially through an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) lens, healthy dependency looks like secure attachment.
Healthy dependency means:
You can rely on your partner and rely on yourself
Your partner’s support strengthens you rather than shrinking you
You feel safe expressing needs without fear of rejection or punishment
You don’t have to abandon yourself to maintain closeness
Both partners take responsibility for their own emotions
The relationship feels like a secure base, not a lifeline
In short:
Healthy dependency expands your world. Codependency narrows it.
Codependency vs Healthy Dependency: A Side-by-Side Look
Here’s how these two patterns often show up differently in real relationships:
Codependency
“I need you to be okay so I can be okay”
Fear-based closeness
Avoiding conflict to keep the peace
Self-worth tied to being needed
Boundaries feel scary or selfish
Anxiety when apart
Identity revolves around the relationship
Healthy Dependency
“I’m okay, and you matter to me”
Choice-based closeness
Conflict handled with repair and respect
Self-worth exists outside the relationship
Boundaries protect connection
Comfort with both closeness and space
Strong sense of individual identity
Why Codependency Often Gets Confused With Love
Many people who struggle with codependency are deeply loving, loyal, and emotionally attuned. The issue isn’t a lack of care, it’s how care became fused with self-abandonment.
If you grew up in an environment where:
You had to manage others’ emotions
Love was inconsistent or conditional
Conflict felt dangerous
Your needs were ignored or minimized
…then codependent patterns may have once kept you safe.
The nervous system learned:
“Connection requires me to overfunction.”
That doesn’t make you broken. It makes you adaptive.
Can a Relationship Be Close Without Being Codependent?
Yes, and this is one of the biggest myths we work through in couples therapy.
You can:
Need reassurance
Want closeness
Miss your partner
Feel deeply impacted by your relationship
…and still be in a healthy, secure bond.
The difference lies in choice vs fear.
Healthy dependency says:
“I choose you because the relationship adds to my life.”
Codependency says:
“I can’t survive emotionally without you.”
The Role of Attachment Styles
Attachment styles play a huge role in how dependency shows up.
Anxious Attachment
Often struggles with fears of abandonment and may lean toward codependent behaviors:
Seeking constant reassurance
Overanalyzing partner’s moods
Losing self in the relationship
Avoidant Attachment
May reject dependency altogether:
Valuing extreme independence
Feeling smothered by needs
Shutting down emotionally
Ironically, anxious and avoidant partners often end up together, creating cycles where one pursues and the other withdraws, reinforcing insecurity on both sides.
Healthy dependency develops when both partners move toward secure attachment, where needs can be expressed without shame or shutdown.
Is Wanting Your Partner a Red Flag?
No.
Needing emotional support, comfort, and reassurance from your partner is normal and healthy.
It becomes concerning when:
Your needs are never met, yet you keep sacrificing
You don’t feel allowed to have separate opinions or desires
You fear being alone more than being unhappy
Your self-esteem rises and falls based on your partner’s behavior
Dependency becomes unhealthy when it costs you your voice, boundaries, or wellbeing.
How Healthy Dependency Looks in Real Life
In a securely dependent relationship:
Partners ask for support without guilt or shame
Emotional needs are responded to, not dismissed
Each person takes responsibility for their own healing
There is space for individuality and togetherness
Repair happens after conflict
The relationship feels grounding, not destabilizing
Healthy dependency feels like:
“I can lean on you, and I can stand on my own.”
Can Codependency Be Healed?
Yes. Absolutely.
Healing codependency doesn’t mean becoming emotionally distant or hyper-independent. It means learning how to stay connected without self-abandonment.
In individual or couples therapy, this often involves:
Reconnecting with your own needs and emotions
Learning to set boundaries without guilt
Understanding your attachment patterns
Shifting from people-pleasing to authenticity
Building self-worth that isn’t relationship-dependent
Creating emotional safety without overfunctioning
Many clients fear that changing these patterns will damage their relationship, but more often, it strengthens it.
When to Consider Therapy
You might benefit from therapy if:
You’re unsure where you end and your partner begins
You feel responsible for your partner’s happiness
You struggle to say no or express needs
Your relationship feels consuming or anxiety-provoking
You want closeness but fear losing yourself
You keep repeating the same unhealthy dynamics
Therapy helps move couples and individuals from survival-based connection to secure, chosen connection.
Final Thoughts: It’s Not Dependency vs Independence, It’s Secure Connection
The goal isn’t to stop needing people.
The goal is to build relationships where:
Dependency is mutual, not one-sided
Needs are welcomed, not punished
Connection feels safe, not obligatory
Love doesn’t require self-erasure
Healthy relationships aren’t about being less dependent, they’re about being securely connected.
If you’re questioning whether your relationship patterns are codependent or healthy, that curiosity alone is a powerful first step.
Ready to Explore This Further?
At Lovebird Couples Therapy Ontario, we offer virtual couples and individual therapy across Ontario, helping clients untangle codependency, build secure attachment, and create relationships that feel both close and empowering.
If you’re ready to move from anxiety-driven connection to healthy dependency, we’re here to help.