Reassurance-Seeking and ROCD: Why It Makes Anxiety Worse
If you struggle with constant doubts about your relationship
Do I really love my partner?
What if I’m settling?
What if there’s someone better out there?
you’re not alone.
Many individuals across Ontario reach out to my practice feeling confused, distressed, and stuck in cycles of reassurance-seeking that seem to offer relief… but only temporarily.
As an Ontario therapist, and the owner of Lovebird Couples Therapy Ontario, I focus on treating Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (R-OCD) in both individuals and couples through evidence-based, compassion-focused therapy. One of the most common (and misunderstood) drivers of R-OCD is reassurance-seeking.
In this article, we’ll explore:
What reassurance-seeking looks like in R-OCD
Why reassurance actually increases anxiety over time
How R-OCD treatment works without constant reassurance
How virtual therapy in Ontario can help you break the cycle
What Is Reassurance-Seeking in R-OCD?
Reassurance-seeking is a compulsion: a behavior aimed at reducing anxiety caused by intrusive thoughts and doubts. In R-OCD, reassurance-seeking often revolves around certainty about your feelings, your partner, or the future of the relationship.
Common reassurance-seeking behaviors include:
Asking your partner repeatedly if they love you or if the relationship is “okay”
Confessing doubts or thoughts to feel relief
Asking friends or family for opinions about your relationship
Googling questions like “How do I know if I love my partner?” or “Is this normal in relationships?”
Mentally reviewing memories to “prove” love or attraction
Seeking reassurance from therapists, social media, or relationship content
While reassurance may feel soothing in the moment, it plays a central role in keeping R-OCD stuck.
Why Reassurance-Seeking Makes R-OCD Worse
Reassurance-seeking provides short-term relief but strengthens anxiety in the long term. Here’s why.
1. It Teaches Your Brain That Doubt Is Dangerous
Each time you seek reassurance, your brain learns:
“This thought is a threat. I need certainty to feel safe.”
Over time, your mind becomes more sensitive to relationship doubts, not less.
2. Relief Never Lasts
Clients often tell me:
“I feel better for a few minutes… then the doubt comes back even stronger.”
That’s because reassurance doesn’t resolve uncertaint, it reinforces the belief that certainty is required to cope.
3. Your Tolerance for Uncertainty Shrinks
Healthy relationships involve ambiguity, emotional fluctuation, and imperfection. Reassurance-seeking trains the nervous system to reject uncertainty, making normal relationship experiences feel intolerable.
4. It Pulls Partners Into the OCD Cycle
In couples affected by R-OCD, reassurance-seeking can strain the relationship. Partners may feel pressured to constantly soothe, prove, or defend the relationship, which often increases resentment, distance, or emotional exhaustion.
This is why effective R-OCD treatment does not rely on constant reassurance.
Reassurance vs. Support: An Important Distinction
A common fear I hear in therapy is:
“If I stop seeking reassurance, does that mean I’m invalidating myself or my partner?”
Not at all.
Reassurance aims to eliminate uncertainty and anxiety
Support helps you learn how to sit with uncertainty safely
In R-OCD therapy, we focus on building emotional tolerance, self-trust, and flexibility, not emotional suppression or avoidance.
How R-OCD Therapy Helps Without Reassurance
At Lovebird Couples Therapy Ontario, R-OCD treatment is grounded in evidence-based approaches, including:
✔ Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)
ERP helps you gradually face relationship-related fears without performing reassurance-seeking behaviors, allowing anxiety to rise and fall naturally.
Read more about ERP for R-OCD here!
✔ Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
For couples, EFT helps reduce shame, increase emotional safety, and prevent OCD from hijacking the attachment bond.
✔ Psychoeducation and Nervous System Regulation
Understanding why your brain is doing this reduces fear and self-blame. We also work on grounding strategies that don’t reinforce compulsions.
✔ Values-Based Decision-Making
Rather than chasing certainty, therapy helps you make relationship choices based on values, not anxiety.
Why Online R-OCD Therapy in Ontario Works
I offer virtual R-OCD therapy across Ontario, including clients in:
Toronto
Vaughan
Richmond Hill
Mississauga
Brampton
Markham
Oakville
Hamilton
Ottawa
Waterloo
Guelph
London
Barrie
Niagara Region
Durham Region
York Region
Online therapy allows clients to access specialized R-OCD treatment without being limited by location, especially important, as R-OCD specialists can be hard to find.
Common Questions About Reassurance-Seeking and R-OCD
Is reassurance-seeking ever okay?
In everyday stress, reassurance can be comforting. In OCD, however, reassurance functions as a compulsion and maintains the disorder. Therapy helps determine the difference.
What if my doubts mean something is actually wrong?
R-OCD therapy does not convince you to stay or leave a relationship. It helps you make decisions without anxiety hijacking the process.
Can couples therapy help if one partner has R-OCD?
Yes. Couples therapy can be incredibly effective when OCD is impacting communication, intimacy, and emotional safety.
You Don’t Need Certainty to Heal
If reassurance-seeking is running your relationship, or your life, it’s not because you’re weak, broken, or with the “wrong” person. It’s because your nervous system has learned to fear uncertainty.
With the right support, you can learn to respond to doubts differently, with less fear, less urgency, and more trust in yourself.
Start R-OCD Therapy in Ontario
If you’re looking for an R-OCD therapist in Ontario, I’d be honoured to support you.
Sarah Perone, RP (Qualifying)
Founder, Lovebird Couples Therapy Ontario
Virtual individual and couples therapy across Ontario
Serving clients throughout Ontario via secure online therapy. Lovebird Couples Therapy Ontario offers virtual couples and individual therapy to those across Ontario, including the Greater Toronto Area (Toronto, Mississauga, Vaughan, Markham), Ottawa, Hamilton, London, Kitchener-Waterloo, Barrie, and surrounding communities.
Book a free consultation today through this link and take the first step toward breaking the reassurance cycle.