10 Key Conversations to Have Before You Get Married
Why premarital counselling in Ontario isn’t about fixing problems, it’s about building a secure foundation
Getting married is one of the most meaningful commitments you’ll ever make. It’s also one of the most misunderstood.
Many couples assume that if they’re in love, communicate “well enough,” and don’t fight too often, they’re ready for marriage. Others worry that talking about hard topics before the wedding might somehow jinx things.
In reality, the opposite is true.
In my work as a couples therapist in Ontario, I see that the strongest relationships aren’t the ones without conflict. They’re the ones where partners know how to talk about the hard stuff before it becomes painful, entrenched, or explosive.
That’s where premarital counselling (also called pre-marriage or relationship therapy) can be incredibly helpful. It creates a safe, structured space to have the conversations most couples either rush through or avoid entirely.
Below are 10 key conversations every couple should have before getting married, why they matter, and how couples therapy can support you in navigating them with clarity and compassion.
1. How Do We Handle Conflict?
Every couple fights. The real question isn’t if you’ll experience conflict, it’s what happens when you do.
Some couples escalate quickly.
Some shut down or withdraw.
Some avoid conflict altogether until resentment builds.
Helpful questions to explore:
What did conflict look like in your family growing up?
Do you tend to pursue, withdraw, freeze, or appease during arguments?
What helps you feel safe enough to stay engaged?
How do apologies and repair happen between you?
In premarital therapy, we focus on helping couples understand their conflict cycle, not to eliminate conflict, but to make it less scary and more productive.
Healthy couples don’t avoid conflict. They learn how to recover from it.
2. What Does Commitment Mean to Each of Us?
“Commitment” sounds straightforward, until you realize it can mean very different things to different people.
For one partner, commitment might mean:
Always prioritizing the relationship
Emotional transparency
Working through issues no matter what
For another, it might mean:
Loyalty and stability
Independence within the relationship
Space during stress
Key questions:
What does “forever” actually mean to you?
How do you define emotional and physical fidelity?
What feels threatening to your sense of security?
This conversation is especially important for couples navigating relationship anxiety or ROCD, where fears about certainty and commitment can feel overwhelming.
3. How Do We Talk About Money?
Money is one of the most common sources of stress in long-term relationships. Not because of numbers, but because of meaning.
Money often represents:
Safety
Control
Freedom
Worth
Fear
Topics to explore together:
How did your family handle money?
Are you a saver, spender, or avoider?
Will finances be shared, separate, or hybrid?
How will financial decisions be made?
What does “financial security” mean to each of you?
Premarital counselling helps couples move beyond surface-level budgeting conversations into the emotional layers underneath financial conflict.
4. What Are Our Expectations Around Emotional Support?
Many couples enter marriage with unspoken assumptions about emotional availability.
Some partners expect:
Frequent reassurance
Deep emotional processing
Feeling “chosen” daily
Others expect:
Emotional independence
Problem-solving over validation
Less verbal expression
Important questions:
How do you know when you’re emotionally supported?
What do you need when you’re overwhelmed?
How do you show care when your partner is struggling?
Misaligned expectations don’t mean incompatibility, they mean you need clearer communication.
5. How Will We Navigate Family, Boundaries, and Holidays?
Marriage doesn’t just unite two people, it often blends family systems.
This can bring up questions about:
Holidays and traditions
Boundaries with parents or in-laws
Loyalty conflicts
Cultural or religious expectations
Things to talk through:
What role will extended family play in your life?
How do you handle differing expectations?
How will you support each other when boundaries are challenged?
Couples therapy can help you practice being a team, especially when external pressures arise.
Learn more about boundaries with families by clicking here.
6. What Is Our Relationship to Sex and Intimacy?
Sex is one of the most vulnerable, and often avoided, premarital conversations.
Important areas to explore:
Desire differences
How initiation happens
Expectations around frequency
How stress impacts intimacy
What helps you feel emotionally and physically close
Sexual intimacy changes over time. What matters most is whether you can talk about it without shame, defensiveness, or withdrawal.
Premarital counselling offers a safe space to normalize these conversations and build emotional safety around intimacy.
7. How Do We Make Decisions Together?
Decision-making patterns often reflect deeper attachment needs.
Questions to explore:
Who typically leads decisions?
How do power dynamics show up?
What happens when you disagree?
Do either of you avoid conflict by giving in?
From daily choices to major life decisions, couples benefit from developing a shared decision-making process that feels fair and respectful.
8. What Are Our Values and Life Goals?
You don’t need identical goals, but you do need aligned values.
Topics to discuss:
Career priorities
Children (if any) and parenting philosophies
Lifestyle expectations
Religion or spirituality
Growth, change, and flexibility over time
Rather than asking, “Do we want the same things?” a more helpful question is:
“Can we support each other’s growth while staying connected?”
9. How Do We Handle Stress, Mental Health, and Hard Seasons?
Life will include stress: job changes, illness, grief, fertility challenges, burnout.
Important questions:
How do you cope with stress?
What support feels helpful vs. overwhelming?
How do you ask for help?
How do you respond when your partner is struggling?
For couples where one or both partners experience anxiety, depression, or relationship anxiety, premarital therapy can help normalize these experiences and build compassionate coping strategies.
10. How Will We Keep Choosing Each Other Over Time?
Perhaps the most important conversation of all.
Marriage isn’t sustained by intensity or certainty, it’s sustained by intentional connection.
Questions to reflect on:
How will we prioritize our relationship?
What does repair look like after hurt?
How will we reconnect when we drift?
How do we want to grow together?
Couples who thrive don’t avoid disconnection, they learn how to find each other again.
Why Premarital Counselling in Ontario Can Make a Difference
Premarital counselling isn’t about predicting whether a marriage will work.
It’s about:
Increasing emotional safety
Understanding attachment patterns
Strengthening communication skills
Reducing future resentment
Creating shared language for hard moments
As a couples therapist offering premarital counselling across Ontario, I work with couples who want to be proactive, thoughtful, and intentional about their relationship.
Whether you’re newly engaged, considering marriage, or simply wanting to strengthen your foundation, couples therapy can help you slow down and connect more deeply, before patterns become painful.
To learn more about the befits of pre-marital therapy, click here.
Thinking About Premarital Therapy?
You don’t need to be in crisis to benefit from couples therapy.
Many couples seek premarital counselling in Ontario because they want to:
Communicate more clearly
Feel more emotionally secure
Address concerns before they grow
Enter marriage with confidence and compassion
If that resonates with you, you’re not alone, and support is available.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
At Lovebird Couples Therapy Ontario, I offer attachment-focused, evidence-based premarital counselling for couples virtually across Ontario.
You can learn more or book a consultation through our online booking page.
Marriage isn’t about having everything figured out.
It’s about learning how to face life together.
If you still want to learn more before booking, check out our other blog posts on pre-marital therapy in Ontario:
Why Premarital Counseling is the Best Wedding Gift You Can Give Yourselves
Why More Couples in Ontario are Choosing Pre-Marital Counselling Before Saying “I Do”
Is it Bad to Attend Couples Therapy Before Marriage? (Spoiler: no)