How to Talk to Your Partner About Seeing a Couples Therapist: A Practical, Compassionate Guide for When One of You Is Hesitant
Bringing up therapy with your partner can feel surprisingly intimidating.
You might worry you’ll offend them.
You might be afraid they’ll hear “I want therapy” as “you’re the problem.”
Or maybe you’ve already tried once, and it didn’t go well.
If you’re thinking about couples therapy or individual relationship therapy, but your partner feels unsure, resistant, or defensive, you’re not alone. This is one of the most common struggles couples face before starting therapy, especially in Ontario, where many people still carry outdated ideas about what therapy means.
This guide is here to help.
We’ll walk through how to talk to your partner about seeing a therapist in a way that feels respectful, grounded, and emotionally safe, without pressure, ultimatums, or blame. Whether you’re considering couples therapy, premarital counselling, or therapy for relationship anxiety or R-OCD, this article will help you approach the conversation with clarity and care.
Why Talking About Therapy Feels So Hard
Before we talk about what to say, it helps to understand why this conversation can feel loaded.
For many people, therapy brings up fears like:
“Does this mean our relationship is failing?”
“Am I being blamed?”
“What if the therapist takes sides?”
“What if we uncover things we can’t fix?”
“I don’t want a stranger judging us.”
In couples therapy especially, one partner is often more emotionally ready than the other. The hesitant partner isn’t necessarily opposed to growth, they’re often protecting themselves from shame, vulnerability, or uncertainty.
Seeing resistance as fear (not refusal) changes everything.
Step 1: Get Clear on Why You Want Therapy (Before You Bring It Up)
Before starting the conversation, take some time to reflect on your own intentions.
Ask yourself:
What am I hoping therapy could help us with?
What feels stuck or repetitive in our relationship?
What do I want more of, not just less of?
Am I seeking connection, understanding, tools, or repair?
Being clear internally helps you communicate from longing, not criticism.
Instead of:
“We need therapy because this isn’t working.”
You’re aiming for:
“I miss feeling close to you, and I don’t know how to get there on our own.”
This subtle shift matters more than you might think.
Step 2: Choose the Right Moment (Timing Is Everything)
Talking about therapy during or immediately after an argument rarely goes well.
Instead, aim for a moment when:
You’re both relatively calm
You’re not rushed or distracted
There’s already some emotional openness
You might start with:
“There’s something important I’ve been wanting to talk to you about. Is now an okay time?”
This gives your partner choice and agency, which reduces defensiveness.
Step 3: Lead With Your Experience, Not Their Behaviour
One of the biggest mistakes couples make is framing therapy as a solution to their partner’s flaws.
Even if your concerns feel valid, starting there almost guarantees resistance.
Try using I-statements that focus on your internal experience:
“I’ve been feeling disconnected and unsure how to talk about it.”
“I notice I get anxious about our relationship, and I don’t want that to build into resentment.”
“I really care about us, and I want to learn how to communicate better.”
This approach makes therapy about the relationship, not about fixing one person.
Step 4: Normalize Therapy (It’s Not a Last Resort)
Many people still believe therapy is only for couples on the brink of breaking up.
In reality, couples therapy works best when couples seek support before things feel unbearable.
You might gently normalize it by saying:
“A lot of couples use therapy as a way to strengthen their relationship, not because something is ‘wrong.’”
Or:
“We’d see a trainer to improve our physical health, therapy feels like that for emotional health.”
At Lovebird Couples Therapy Ontario, many couples come in saying:
“We love each other. We just don’t know how to stop having the same arguments.”
That’s not failure. That’s awareness.
Step 5: Address Common Fears Directly (Without Pushing)
If your partner seems hesitant, try getting curious instead of persuasive.
You might ask:
“What worries you about therapy?”
Here are some common concerns you might hear, and gentle ways to respond:
“I don’t want to be blamed.”
“I don’t want that either. I want us to feel understood, not judged.”
“I don’t think a therapist can help.”
“That makes sense. I’m not expecting miracles, I just don’t want us to feel stuck.”
“I don’t like talking to strangers.”
“I get that. It’s uncomfortable for me too. We’d go at a pace that feels manageable.”
Validating their feelings doesn’t mean agreeing, it means showing you care about their emotional safety.
Step 6: Explain What Therapy Actually Looks Like
Many hesitant partners imagine therapy as:
Being interrogated
Rehashing old fights endlessly
Being told they’re “wrong”
In reality, evidence-based couples therapy (like Emotionally Focused Therapy) focuses on:
Understanding patterns, not assigning blame
Improving emotional safety and communication
Helping both partners feel heard and valued
You might say:
“From what I’ve learned, therapy is more about how we get stuck together, not who’s at fault.”
This reframing can lower anxiety significantly.
Step 7: Offer a Low-Pressure Entry Point
Therapy doesn’t have to be a lifelong commitment.
You can suggest:
Trying one or two sessions
Starting with a consultation
Attending together to “see how it feels”
For example:
“Would you be open to just one session, and then we decide together?”
Choice creates buy-in.
Step 8: If They Say No, Don’t Panic
A “not right now” doesn’t mean “never.”
If your partner isn’t ready:
Thank them for listening
Let them know the door is open
Avoid turning it into a power struggle
You might say:
“I appreciate you hearing me out. I don’t want to push, just wanted to be honest about how I’m feeling.”
Sometimes, the conversation itself plants a seed.
What If You Want Therapy But Your Partner Truly Refuses?
This is more common than people admit.
You still have options.
Individual therapy can help you:
Understand your needs more clearly
Learn how to communicate boundaries
Reduce relationship anxiety
Decide what’s sustainable for you
Many individuals begin therapy alone and later find their partner becomes more open once they see positive changes.
Therapy Is About Choosing the Relationship, Not Giving Up
Wanting help doesn’t mean your relationship is broken.
It means you’re paying attention.
At Lovebird Couples Therapy Ontario, we often work with couples who say:
“We love each other—we just need help understanding each other.”
If you’re thinking about couples therapy, premarital counselling, or individual relationship support in Ontario, you don’t have to navigate this conversation alone.
Final Thoughts: Speak From Care, Not Fear
When you talk to your partner about therapy:
Lead with connection
Stay curious, not critical
Remember that hesitation is often fear in disguise
The goal isn’t to convince, it’s to invite.
And sometimes, that invitation is the first step toward deeper understanding, healing, and closeness.
Looking for Couples Therapy or Relationship Support in Ontario?
Lovebird Couples Therapy Ontario offers:
If you’re ready to take the next step, or just want to learn more. you’re welcome to reach out.
Your relationship doesn’t have to feel this hard. 💛