Limerence in the Workplace: Why It Happens and What to Do About It
Have you found yourself thinking constantly about a coworker? Maybe you replay conversations, analyze their texts, wonder whether they feel the same way, look forward to seeing them at work, or find yourself distracted by small interactions throughout the day.
You may be experiencing limerence.
Limerence is an intense, involuntary preoccupation with another person that can involve intrusive thoughts, idealization, emotional highs and lows, and a strong desire for reciprocation. The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s. Although limerence is not a recognized mental health diagnosis, it is a well-described psychological experience that can become distressing and interfere with relationships, work, and daily life.
Limerence can become particularly complicated when the person you're fixated on is a coworker. Unlike a crush outside of work, you may be exposed to the person every day, have regular conversations with them, collaborate on projects, receive messages from them, or constantly encounter reminders of them.
So why does limerence happen at work, and what can you actually do about it?
What Is Limerence?
Limerence is more than simply having a crush.
A crush might involve attraction, excitement, or curiosity about someone. Limerence tends to involve a much more consuming preoccupation with the person and an intense focus on whether your feelings are reciprocated.
Common experiences of limerence include:
Thinking about the person repeatedly throughout the day
Replaying conversations and interactions
Analyzing texts, emails, facial expressions, or tone
Looking for signs that they are interested in you
Feeling euphoric after a positive interaction
Feeling rejected, anxious, or low after a neutral or negative interaction
Fantasizing about a relationship or future together
Idealizing the person
Checking social media for information about them
Creating reasons to interact with them
Feeling an intense need to know how they feel about you
Experiencing difficulty concentrating on other parts of your life
A major feature of limerence is uncertainty. Research and clinical writing on limerence repeatedly identify uncertainty about whether the other person reciprocates feelings as an important factor that can maintain the cycle.
That uncertainty can make a workplace crush particularly powerful.
You may think:
“Did they mean something by that?”
“Why did they message me after work?”
“Why were they so warm yesterday but more distant today?”
“Do they like me?”
“What if they actually feel the same way?”
The problem isn't simply having these thoughts. It's when your mind becomes increasingly focused on solving them.
Why Does Limerence Happen in the Workplace?
There isn't one single cause of limerence. It can develop for many different reasons, including psychological, relational, and situational factors.
The workplace, however, contains several conditions that can make romantic fixation particularly easy to maintain.
1. You See the Person Frequently
One of the biggest differences between workplace limerence and an ordinary crush is repeated exposure.
You may see your coworker several times a week or several times a day.
You might:
Work on projects together
Have lunch together
Chat between meetings
Message throughout the workday
Sit near each other
Travel for work
Celebrate workplace milestones together
Share stressful experiences
Repeated contact gives your brain a steady stream of information to analyze.
And when you're already emotionally invested, even ordinary interactions can feel significant.
2. The Workplace Creates Built-In Emotional Intimacy
Work can create a surprisingly strong sense of connection.
You may spend eight or more hours a day with the same people. You might share frustrations about your boss, celebrate professional achievements, support one another through stressful deadlines, or talk about personal experiences.
This can create a sense of “You understand me in a way other people don't.”
Workplace friendships can genuinely be beneficial. Research has found that positive workplace friendships can contribute to job satisfaction, morale, and commitment. However, workplace relationships can also create blurred boundaries and difficulties when personal and professional expectations become intertwined.
For someone experiencing limerence, that emotional closeness can become particularly powerful.
3. Uncertainty Can Fuel the Fixation
Imagine your coworker is occasionally warm and flirtatious but sometimes distant.
You don't know exactly what they feel.
That ambiguity can become fuel for limerence.
Instead of receiving a clear answer, your brain keeps asking: “What does this mean?”
A friendly message becomes evidence.
A delayed response becomes another clue.
A compliment becomes evidence.
A lack of eye contact becomes something to analyze.
The uncertainty keeps you engaged.
This is one reason limerence can feel so difficult to turn off: you aren't simply thinking about the person, you are trying to solve an unanswered question.
4. You May Be Experiencing Intermittent Reinforcement
Sometimes you receive exactly what you're hoping for: A message. A compliment. A lingering conversation. A private joke. A meaningful look. A moment of apparent emotional intimacy.
Then nothing happens for a while.
That inconsistency can make you pay even more attention to the next interaction.
Instead of losing interest, you may become increasingly focused on getting another positive interaction.
This can create a powerful cycle:
Uncertainty → anticipation → positive interaction → emotional high → uncertainty → checking/analyzing → anticipation
The more attention you give the cycle, the more important the person can begin to feel.
Why Does a Coworker Feel So Much More Special?
One of the most important things to understand about limerence is the difference between the person and your experience of the person.
When you're experiencing limerence, you may begin to fill in gaps in your knowledge with assumptions, fantasies, or idealized interpretations.
You may know a lot about your coworker's professional personality, but much less about what they're actually like in a committed relationship, during conflict, under stress, or in everyday life.
Your mind can create a version of them that feels exceptionally compatible with you.
You might find yourself thinking:
“I've never connected with anyone like this.”
“They just get me.”
“There's something different about this person.”
Those feelings are real.
But a feeling of extraordinary connection isn't necessarily evidence that this person is uniquely compatible with you.
Limerence can involve idealization and a heightened focus on the person's positive qualities while minimizing information that doesn't fit the desired narrative.
This doesn't mean your attraction is fake.
It means that attraction, fantasy, and actual compatibility are different things.
How Can Limerence Affect Your Relationship?
Workplace limerence becomes especially complicated when you're already in a committed relationship.
You may begin comparing your partner to your coworker:
“Why don't I feel this excited with my partner?”
“Why don't I think about my partner this way?”
“Does this mean I'm with the wrong person?”
“Maybe this connection proves something is missing in my relationship.”
These comparisons can become misleading.
Your coworker may represent novelty, anticipation, fantasy, uncertainty, and idealization.
Your partner represents the reality of an established relationship, including responsibilities, conflict, routine, vulnerability, and everyday life.
You're not necessarily comparing two equivalent experiences.
A long-term relationship and an uncertain attraction are fundamentally different relational contexts.
This is one reason that workplace limerence can create significant confusion about an otherwise healthy relationship.
How Do You Know If It's Limerence or a Normal Workplace Crush?
There isn't a single clinical test that determines whether someone is experiencing limerence, and limerence itself is not a formal mental health diagnosis.
However, consider whether your experience involves:
A typical crush:
“I think they're attractive.”
“I'd like to get to know them.”
“It's exciting when I see them.”
“I occasionally think about them.”
Possible limerence:
“I can't stop thinking about them.”
“I constantly analyze our interactions.”
“My mood depends on how they respond to me.”
“I need to know whether they like me.”
“I keep checking for signs.”
“I fantasize about them frequently.”
“I feel anxious when I don't hear from them.”
“I can't focus because I'm thinking about them.”
“I'm constantly comparing them to my partner.”
“I know this is taking over too much of my life, but I can't seem to stop.”
The key question is “How much of my attention, emotional energy, and behaviour has become organized around this person?”
How to Stop Limerence in the Workplace
If you're experiencing limerence with a coworker, the goal isn't necessarily to force yourself to stop having feelings immediately.
Trying to suppress thoughts can sometimes make you even more preoccupied with whether you're thinking about the person.
Instead, the goal is to stop feeding the cycle.
1. Stop Trying to Figure Out What They Feel
This is often one of the biggest changes.
Notice how often you are trying to answer:
Do they like me?
What did that message mean?
Why did they look at me like that?
Are they attracted to me?
Are they avoiding me?
Did that conversation mean something?
You may never get the certainty you're looking for.
And repeatedly analyzing the evidence can keep you emotionally attached.
Try: “I don't know what they feel, and I don't need to solve that right now.”
2. Reduce Unnecessary Contact
You may not be able to go completely no-contact with a coworker, and you shouldn't necessarily need to.
Instead, consider reducing optional contact.
For example:
Stop creating unnecessary reasons to interact
Don't seek them out around the office
Reduce personal messaging
Avoid unnecessary one-on-one situations
Stop checking whether they're online
Stop monitoring their social media
Keep conversations more work-focused when appropriate
The goal is not punishment or avoidance.
It's creating enough distance for your nervous system and attention to disengage.
3. Stop Checking for Signs
Checking can become one of the biggest reinforcers of limerence.
You might check:
Their social media
Their online status
Their messages
Their tone
Their body language
Who they're talking to
Whether they looked at you
Whether they seem jealous
Whether they initiate contact
Each check may provide a tiny amount of information or reassurance.
But it also tells your brain: “This person is important. Keep monitoring them.”
Instead, practice noticing the urge without acting on it. “I'm having the urge to check. I don't need to act on it.”
4. Reality-Test the Fantasy
Ask yourself: What do I actually know about this person?
Separate:
Facts
“They work with me.”
“They've complimented me.”
“We have good conversations.”
Interpretations
“They understand me better than anyone.”
“They're probably attracted to me.”
“We would have an incredible relationship.”
Fantasy
“We're meant to be together.”
This exercise isn't designed to convince yourself that the person is terrible.
It's designed to bring you back from fantasy into reality.
5. Ask What the Limerence Is Giving You
Sometimes the most useful question is: “What am I experiencing through this fixation that I may be missing elsewhere in my life?”
Perhaps you're experiencing:
Excitement
Validation
Novelty
Attention
Sexuality
Confidence
Adventure
Emotional intimacy
Feeling desired
Feeling understood
Escape from relationship dissatisfaction
Escape from work stress or other parts of your life
The goal isn't to blame yourself for this.
It's to become curious.
If the limerence is giving you something important, you can begin finding healthier ways to meet that need.
6. Reinvest in Your Actual Life
Limerence can shrink your world around one person.
Part of recovery is expanding it again.
Invest in:
Friendships
Hobbies
Exercise
Family
Personal goals
Your relationship
Sleep and self-care
Activities that create genuine enjoyment
Experiences that have nothing to do with your coworker
You want your life to become bigger than the fixation.
7. If You're In a Relationship, Don't Automatically Make a Major Decision
If you're partnered and experiencing intense feelings for a coworker, it can be tempting to immediately conclude: “This must mean my relationship is wrong.”
Slow down.
Instead, ask:
What was happening in my relationship before this attraction developed?
What needs aren't being met?
What needs are actually being activated by the coworker?
Am I comparing a real relationship to a fantasy?
What would I want to work on in my relationship if this coworker didn't exist?
If the coworker disappeared tomorrow, what would remain true about my relationship?
This can help you distinguish relationship problems from limerence-related idealization.
What If the Coworker Likes Me Back?
This can make things significantly more complicated.
If you both have feelings, the intensity may increase rather than decrease.
Before acting, consider:
Are either of you in relationships?
What are the workplace policies?
Is there a power imbalance?
Is one person a supervisor or subordinate?
Could this affect your employment?
What happens if the relationship ends?
Would you still want the relationship outside the workplace?
Are you making decisions from genuine compatibility or from the intensity of limerence?
Workplace relationships can have professional consequences, particularly when personal and professional boundaries overlap. Workplace guidance commonly recommends considering organizational policies, power dynamics, and potential conflicts before pursuing an office romance.
You don't have to make a decision simply because the feelings are intense.
Intensity is information, but it isn't necessarily instruction.
When Should You Consider Therapy for Limerence?
Consider speaking with a therapist if the fixation is:
Interfering with your work
Affecting your sleep
Affecting your relationship
Causing significant anxiety or distress
Leading to compulsive checking or reassurance seeking
Making it difficult to concentrate
Causing you to repeatedly cross your own boundaries
Continuing despite your attempts to disengage
Making you question major life decisions
Therapy can help you understand why this particular person became so emotionally significant, identify the behaviours maintaining the cycle, establish healthier boundaries, and address underlying relationship or attachment patterns.
Limerence can also overlap with obsessive rumination, anxiety, or OCD-related processes, although limerence and OCD are not the same thing. Treatment should therefore be individualized rather than assuming that every experience of intense attraction is OCD.
Limerence in the Workplace: The Bottom Line
Limerence at work can feel incredibly powerful because the workplace provides many of the ingredients that can maintain romantic fixation: frequent exposure, emotional connection, uncertainty, anticipation, and repeated opportunities to interpret small interactions.
But having intense feelings for a coworker doesn't automatically mean:
They're your soulmate.
Your current relationship is wrong.
You need to act on the attraction.
The other person secretly feels the same.
You need to figure out exactly what the relationship could become.
Instead, start by getting curious about the cycle.
What are you thinking about?
What are you checking?
What are you hoping to find out?
What behaviours are keeping the fixation alive?
What is this person representing for you?
And perhaps most importantly: “What would happen if I stopped trying to solve the uncertainty and started putting my attention back into my own life?”
You don't have to shame yourself for experiencing limerence. Attraction happens. Feelings happen. Fantasies happen.
What matters is what you choose to do with them.
If workplace limerence is interfering with your relationship, work, or emotional well-being, therapy can provide a space to understand the pattern and figure out how to move forward in a way that aligns with your values.
Limerence Therapy in Ontario
At Lovebird Couples Therapy Ontario, therapy can help you explore limerence, relationship uncertainty, attachment patterns, obsessive rumination, boundaries, and the impact of workplace attraction on your relationship.
We provide virtual therapy across Ontario and Canada (excluding New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, and PEI), with a focus on couples therapy and relationship concerns.
You don't have to figure out whether the coworker is “the one.” You can start by understanding what the limerence is doing and what you want your life and relationships to look like instead.