Why Does a Situationship Hurt More Than a Breakup? A Couples Therapist Explains Limerence
If you’ve ever found yourself obsessing over someone you’re not officially dating, replaying texts, analyzing tone, waiting for breadcrumbs of attention, you’re not alone.
As a therapist in Ontario who focuses on all things relationships, I see this constellation of distress all the time, especially in people coming out of (or stuck inside) situationships. Clients often ask:
“Why do I feel more attached to them than I ever did in a real relationship?”
“Why can’t I let go when there was never a ‘real’ commitment?”
“Is something wrong with me?”
What you may be experiencing isn’t weakness or low self-worth, it’s limerence, and situationships are the perfect breeding ground for it, unfortunately.
Let’s break this down in a grounded, compassionate, and neuroscience-informed way.
What Is Limerence?
Limerence is an intense emotional and cognitive state marked by:
Intrusive thoughts about a specific person
Idealization of them
Heightened sensitivity to their attention or withdrawal
A powerful craving for reciprocation or reassurance
Emotional highs and crashes tied to contact (or lack of it)
Limerence is not the same as love.
Love is regulated, reciprocal, and secure.
Limerence is dopamine-driven, uncertainty-based, and attachment-activating.
And situationships? They amplify all of that.
What Is a Situationship (and Why It’s So Dysregulating)?
A situationship is a romantic or sexual connection without clear labels, boundaries, or commitments.
Common features include:
Emotional intimacy without consistency
Physical closeness without long-term clarity
Mixed signals (“I like you, but I’m not ready”)
Avoidance of defining the relationship
Periods of intense connection followed by withdrawal
From a therapeutic lens, situationships create chronic ambiguity and the human nervous system hates ambiguity, especially when attachment is involved.
Why Situationships Trigger Limerence So Powerfully
1. Intermittent Reinforcement (The Brain’s Favorite Trap)
Situationships operate on unpredictable rewards:
Sometimes they text back quickly
Sometimes they disappear
Sometimes they’re emotionally present
Sometimes they pull away
This pattern is the same mechanism used in gambling addiction.
Your brain learns:
“If I just stay engaged long enough, I might get closeness again.”
That’s not romance, that’s dopamine conditioning.
2. Attachment Systems Are Constantly Activated
If you have anxious attachment, situationships can feel intoxicating and devastating at the same time.
Your attachment system is always asking:
Am I chosen?
Am I safe?
Am I about to be abandoned?
Without reassurance, your nervous system stays in hypervigilance, which fuels obsessive thinking and emotional dependency.
Even people with generally secure attachment can become anxious inside a chronically unclear dynamic.
3. Idealization Fills the Gaps
When there’s no consistency, the brain fills in the blanks.
You’re not responding to who they actually are, you’re bonding to:
Potential
Fantasy
The version of them that could exist if they chose you fully
This is one of the core features of limerence: attachment to imagined intimacy rather than lived safety.
4. The Absence of Closure Intensifies the Bond
Because situationships rarely end cleanly, your nervous system never gets a full “completion signal.”
Instead, you’re left with:
Hope
What-ifs
Unanswered questions
A sense that something is unresolved
This keeps the emotional loop open, sometimes for months or years!!
Why Limerence From Situationships Feels So All-Consuming
Clients often tell me:
“I’ve had breakups that hurt less than this.”
That makes sense.
Limerence:
Hijacks the reward system
Activates survival attachment circuitry
Creates emotional dependency without stability
Unlike mutual relationships, there’s no grounding counterbalance.
The result?
Difficulty concentrating
Anxiety spikes
Mood swings
Loss of self-trust
Feeling “crazy” or ashamed
You’re not broken. Your nervous system is doing exactly what it evolved to do under uncertainty.
Signs You’re Experiencing Limerence From a Situationship
You may be dealing with limerence if:
Your mood depends on whether they reach out
You feel withdrawal-like symptoms when there’s no contact
You minimize your own needs to avoid pushing them away
You feel unable to date others even without commitment
You overanalyze every interaction
You feel bonded despite chronic dissatisfaction
Many people stay longer than they want to because the attachment pain feels worse than the disappointment.
Why “Just Letting Go” Doesn’t Work
Well-meaning advice often misses the mark:
“Just block them.”
“You deserve better.”
“If they wanted to, they would.”
While true, these statements don’t address the neurobiological bond underneath limerence.
Limerence isn’t a conscious choice.
It’s an attachment injury reinforced by reward uncertainty.
Healing requires:
Regulation, not suppression
Understanding, not shame
Nervous system work, not just logic
How Limerence Heals (According to Therapy)
At Lovebird Couples Therapy Ontario, we approach limerence through an attachment-informed, trauma-aware lens.
1. Naming the Pattern Without Self-Blame
Understanding that limerence is:
A nervous system response
Often rooted in earlier attachment wounds
Exacerbated by ambiguity
This alone reduces shame and increases self-compassion.
2. Stabilizing the Nervous System First
Before clarity comes regulation.
This may include:
Reducing intermittent contact
Establishing emotional boundaries
Somatic grounding techniques
Learning to tolerate discomfort without chasing reassurance
3. Grieving the Fantasy (Not Just the Person)
One of the hardest parts is mourning:
The imagined future
The version of yourself that hoped
The story you told yourself to survive the ambiguity
This grief is real and valid.
4. Rebuilding Secure Attachment Internally
Healing limerence often involves:
Strengthening self-soothing capacity
Relearning what consistency feels like
Practicing needs expression without self-abandonment
Identifying attraction patterns rooted in emotional unavailability
5. Learning to Choose Clarity Over Chemistry
Chemistry without safety keeps people stuck.
Therapy helps clients recalibrate attraction toward:
Emotional availability
Consistency
Repair
Mutual investment
This is often the turning point.
Can Limerence Affect Couples Too?
Yes, especially when:
One partner has unresolved limerence for a former situationship
A relationship begins as a situationship and never stabilizes
Avoidant–anxious dynamics recreate the same push-pull cycle
Couples therapy can help unpack these patterns without blame, creating space for honesty and repair.
When to Seek Therapy for Situationship Limerence
You might benefit from therapy if:
You feel emotionally stuck despite wanting to move on
Your self-esteem has eroded
You keep repeating similar dynamics
You feel disconnected from your values
The attachment pain is interfering with daily life
Working with a therapist trained in attachment and relational trauma can make a profound difference.
Final Thoughts From a Couples Therapist
Limerence from situationships is not a personal failure, it’s a predictable response to emotional uncertainty.
You don’t need more willpower.
You need safety, clarity, and support.
Healing doesn’t mean shutting your heart down.
It means learning how to stay open without losing yourself.
How Lovebird Couples Therapy Ontario Can Help
At Lovebird Couples Therapy Ontario, we offer:
Couples therapy for relational patterns and attachment injuries
Support for anxious attachment, limerence, and relationship clarity
If you’re ready to stop feeling emotionally stuck and start building secure, fulfilling connections, we’re here.
Book a virtual free consultation or first session today and begin reconnecting with yourself and the relationships you truly deserve.